Scott Hanselman

Perhaps you'll see yourself, Dear Reader, in this story.

My family is Handy. Well, let me qualify that. The {set of all people in my family who are not me is Handy}. That's "Handy" with a Capital-H.

My dad, was a Firefighter for thirty years, and my brother

(pictured in a headlock and covered in baking soda at right. He's the short one. Of course, now he's a Triathalon-running-biking-swimming 6'2" ninja, but at the time of this picture I could beat his *ss. Didn't last long, needless to say.)

is also a Firefighter. They are both handy. Josh and his wife also run Starry Nights Stables filled with all sorts of Handy things that they build themselves like horse runs from scratch. 

I, on the other hand, hire a guy to mow my lawn. You get the idea.

Seemed like I'd be the non-Handy Hanselman and I'd resigned myself to the situation. Recently we decided to remodel our kitchen. We'd had a bunch of tiles just fall completely off the counter, messed up cabinets, scratched walls, yada yada yada. Seemed time to do something about it.

We tend to research things a lot before we take action so we started at the library. We got books on tile, on counters, on painting, etc. We went to Lowe's and The Home Despot. I had little confidence in my ability to make this happen, but Josh and Dad said they'd be happy to help. They came up a few weekends (they live 90 minutes away) and helped tear out the old counter and level the cabinets for the new one.

When it came time to decide about the "backsplash" - the tile that's up against the wall, connected to the counter in case there's any confusion ;) - I figured I'd hire a guy. Josh and Dad had really worked hard but I didn't want them to keep driving up to help. Both assured me that I helped them in substantive ways, but for some reason occasionally running Windows Update or installing SpyBot didn't seem to be a fair exchange for tearing up a kitchen. (Yes, I know they are family and family helps folks without the need for payback, but you're missing the point. You have no focus!)

Mo said that if we did the tile ourselves that there'd be a Sense of Accomplishment.™ I figured that we could buy a Sense of Accomplishment™ while sitting on the couch. But, her wisdom prevailed and I declared that I'd be doing the tile myself. We smiled with a feeling of pending accomplishment. This will go well, right? 

Aside: Once three years ago I tried to change out the Water Filter on the Refrigerator and hooked it up backwards. The resulting explosion of carbon dust from the filter is currently hovering over Fiji moving in a South-South-Westerly direction.

Realizing that I am in fact, not Handy, I decided that I'd need to supplement my skills with Tools. This, Dear Reader, is how the Geek becomes a Do-It-Yourselfer. One word people - lasers. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Here's how Geeks do Tile.

• Go to a Tile store and borrow their board of Tile. This is a big wood board covered in Tile.
• Scan said Tile board. Scan it into PhotoShop. Create a 1:1 scale model of the Tile design and print it out on your Inkjet printer.
• There's nothing like fake inkjet tile taped to your kitchen wall to give you a clear idea of what the final design is going to look like.
• Aside: "Random" is hard. I ended up coming up with a pattern for this tile that would look random for a moment, then looked like a pattern later without falling into a checkerboard or moire thing. It also made efficient use of the colors of tile we had. But making it look Random was tricky.
• Measure like ten times. Seriously. We were using 2" tile that turned out to be actually 1 7/8" so a little thought had to go into it.
• I estimated I'd need 386 tiles. Apparently they don't sell 2" tiles all onesy-twosy like that, so don't go to a Tile Store and declare "I require 386 two-inch tiles."
• We ended up buying 12" squares with 36 tiles each and had a few left over.
• When the tiles show up, lay it ALL out exactly as it should be. Sticking tiles on the wall isn't the time to decide how it ought to look.
• Get a freakin' laser. Chalk lines? Pencils? For Handy People, I say. Geeks use Lasers. I'd say it made it so much easier, but since this was the first time I'd done tile, I don't have another frame of reference. Still, pencils? Please.
  
• Did I mention lay it all out ahead of time? Do that. I also put little pieces of paper every 5 tiles so I could tell where 10 inches would be.
• Decide if you can do the whole thing without cutting a tile. One wall was 81" so I'd need to either use 40 tiles and cut one, or make up the space over the whole span. I was able to add the 1" by making the 1/8" grout an extra 1/40" wider between each tile. You really don't want to show up at the other side of the wall unprepared. :)
• Spacers - use a metric crapload of them. I used something like 1250 little plastic spacers to make the grout lines just so. Love 'em.
• Thinset is the cementy glue that you use to make the tile stick. Don't mix it yourself, get the premixed stuff.
• When you put the tiles on, twist them slightly as you push to get the maximum amount of the Thinset on the back of the thing. Use the Grout Float - that I called the "pressy rubber thing" before I learned it was a Grout Float - to push against the tiles and apply even pressure over the whole field.
  

I'm very happy to announce we now have a Sense of Accomplishment™ and that I have joined the ranks of Handy Hanselmen who are Do-It-Yourselfers.

P.S. I promise I won't even think about the opportunity cost of this whole operation.

P.P.S. OK, maybe a little.

About Scott

Scott Hanselman is a former professor, former Chief Architect in finance, now speaker, consultant, father, diabetic, and Microsoft employee. I am a failed stand-up comic, a cornrower, and a book author.

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